. >> tosh: i bet we have a lot in common. if twitter still exists please follow me on and if you care about charity i'll be headlining a show with many talented comedians and profits will be donated to some of my favorite causes. if you're not a fan of antho a jeselnik you're in luck. they cancelled. in this week's brickleberry, statistically 458 of >> stephen: tonight, science finds the key to a long, healthy life. whatever it is, i bet it tastes good fried. [ laughter ] then, controversy over the new bin laden film. they shouldn't have let him do his own singing. [ laughter ] and my guest, chris kluwe, is an nfl punter and gay rights advocate. wow, pretty brave for an nfl player to admit he's a punter. [ laughter ] jimmy kimmel starts in his new 11:35 time slot tonight. but since he's my direct competition, i refuse to mention him. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies an

to write for rookie. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is that? they must be happy when you ask them. i bet they are really happy, that would be cool. >> would you like to? >> stephen: what? [cheers and applause] maybe. i don't know. i mean seriously -- this is sudden. [ laughter ] i was thinking of writing a column from the point of view of a 48-year-old dad. >> great. >> stephen: and it's called you're not wearing that. all right? and girls would send in photos of what they thought was okay to wear and i would take color forms and put new clothes on them and say this is what you are wear, what do you think? >> fine, i'll take it. >> stephen: that is called synergy. what do you think about my look? >> fine. >> stephen: because i don't think i could do the bangs. we got direction of the different basic looks i could rock, okay? >> true. >> stephen: let's take a look at the different looks. this is tortured artist. this is the tortured artist. >> stephen: and ladies go for the tortured artist. >> i think so. i'm told. yeah. >> stephen: another one, jim. what is this? >> there were really gre

tien men square. taiwanees independence. >> stephen: sure. tie bet existing. that's a sore subject. you have crushed britannica. you destroyed it. they no longer print. >> all right. >> stephen: how am i supposed to press my floarl rarngments. do you know how hard it is to dry a calla lily between two ipads? what is the next thing? what is the future of wikipedia? >> well, one of the things we're focused on is growth in the developing world. the other thing is we have a travel site that is opening up soon. we'll see how it goes. >> stephen: wikitravel? >> it's not wikitravel it's wikivoyager. >> stephen: you travel some place and said i love the atmosphere, try the win. >> exactly. [ laughter ] >> stephen: i'd good to that. [ laughter ] will you have a business model for that? >> no. >> stephen: why won't you take advertising? it's so easy. product placement. under marie antoine net's let them eat kate entry have an ad. think about it. >> i'll think about it. >> stephen: thank you so much, jimmy. f(@úcÑ>l@) " ii%)

. so after seven years silence broken. i bet he laid down a hell of a judicial stemwinding after seven years. >> the transcript picked up only four words. [ laughter ] >> jon: well i beat he made them count. you know? what did he say. >> justice scalia made a joke about yale law school. justice thomas' alma mater and according to the court transcript he said, well, he did not -- and that's all he said. [ laughter ] >> jon: well he did not? i was going to after seven years you have to make them out. you're out of order! luke, i'm your father. that is unconstitutional. you can't handle the -- that's four (bleep). well, he did not. what does that even mean. >> what thomas appeared to be suggesting was that an ivy league degree didn't necessarily mean the lawyer was qualified and the courtroom erupted in laughter. >> jon: really? [ laughter ] good room. so that's your only equip you've been there seven years and no other equips. not a -- that's what she said? sounds like my wedding night. nothing? aristocrats, nothing? probably the last time we'll hear from him. you know he's going to pull

by >> stephen: tonight, science finds the key to a long, healthy life. whatever it is, i bet it tastes good fried. [ laughter ] then, controversy over the new bin laden film. they shouldn't have let him do his own singing. [ laughter ] and my guest, chris kluwe, is an nfl punter and gay rights advocate. wow, pretty brave for an nfl player to admit he's a punter. [ laughter ] jimmy kimmel starts in his new 11:35 time slot tonight. but since he's my direct competition, i refuse to mention him. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, folks. i have to thank you for that and i want to thank you for joining me in here, out there nation, we all know the economy's not in great shape. just today the dow dropped fifty five-- of whatever it is. [ laughter ] dow-lers. [ laughter ] so i was glad to hear that one of my investments

jack lew toll bet next -- to be the next treasury secretary. >> it will be his signature at the bottom of our currency. it will look something like this. [ laughter ] >> jon: that injure signature? or jut -- that is your significant in signature or are you testing to see if the pen works? [ laughter ] hey, lew, shire -- here is a tip, stop signing your checks on the teacup ride at disney world. [ laughter ] the only way you are allowed to have that as your signature is if your name is booooing, boooing, please come firm jack lew. please confirm jack lew. i have to have this man as treasury secretary. seriously if this guy gets confirmed it would be the second most ridiculous signature only to appear on our money thanks to buchanan's secretary oliver lewis ottingham. i see the audience went to seventh grade like i did. [ laughter ] i'm 50. can can tell you why guy who will find him rolling in jack lew doodle stacks as money will soon be called, al gore. >> former vice president al gore say richer man tonight about $100 million richer after selling his little watched cable channel curren

have used boniva? mary todd lincoln. she we are the country on her back. >> she did. she did. i bet she wasn't invited to a lot of parties either. >> stephen: she wasn't. thank you so much for joining me, sally field.

to do while you are out, pal? >> i always wanted to finish high school. >> jon: how much you want to bet the blinker was on the whole time they were driving? please we will -- welcome back to the show christopher walken. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] how are you? >> good. >> jon: just that one scene, the simplest of scenes, the simplest of the tasks, driving in a car down a street, you, pacino, do you have any idea how many people want to be in that car? >> it's true. [ laughter ] you know, these scenes take a long time and we were in -- when you are doing a shot in a car, you are on a flatbed and you are going and you spend a lot of time just sitting in the truck. that was really the best part. >> jon: getting to hang out with those guys. who is the chattiest amongst you? would you it be arki in the chattiest? >> arkin is chatty. you might not suspect that al was chatty but he is. >> jon: i with not suspect that. >> yes. and i'm pretty chatty so -- >> jon: you could see that. i could see that. [ laughter ] would it make a difference when you were sitting in different posit

them. i'm not sure but they may bet ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight emmy-winning sportscaster for nbc, please welcome back to the program bob costas. ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you. >> how are you doing jon: always good to have a guest on that i can swap jackets with. we're going to talk sports. there's nothing that i like better than talking sports but before we get to the sports i have to talk to you about you found yourself at the center of a plit conversation when at half time during a football game tragedy in kansas city. >> right jon: with the football player who killed himself and then his girlfriend. you spoke of a gun culture >> right jon: and... quoted jason whitt lock a columnist from kansas city and now writes for the fox sports website who never mentioned the second amendment or gun control but talked about a gun culture which i do believe exists. it's an attitude toward guns. obviously i think any sane person believes that we ought not to have high capacity magazines and assault rifles and that there ought to be background checks. yo

file a suit. can i recommend lawyers to you. >> stephen: i bet you can. >> and bring a case yourself. >> stephen: cliff thanks so much for joining me. i'll be calling the lawyer. cliff sloan, thebook bookss [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] nation, i'm not proud of it, but some nights, i go too easy on our radical marxist homo-fascist secret kenyan travesty of a joke of a so-called president. [ laughter ] what can i say? maybe i'm mellowing with age. and sadly, tonight is one of those nights, because barack obama has finally done something right in the war on terror. after years of empty promises, he is closing guantanamo's office of closing guantanamo. [ laughter ] we did it! finally, america can move beyond the sad chapter of trying to close down our gulag by the sea. [ laughter ] and they're closing the office of closing gitmo not a moment too soon. i heard the conditions in that office were horrific. people held for years in cramped, poorly-lit quarters and repeatedly water-coolered. [ laughter ] and more gratifying to conserv

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